Letting Go

Blogs to me are a very humorous thing. Especially when you blog as often as me. By just briefly looking over the few posts I have made I can see a change in me. I can see areas God has been working on in me since the beginning. I always seem to think that one day I will get better at this and post on a regular basis. That I will start to open up in a more public forum. Who knows, maybe one day I will but right now I just don't know...

Have you ever had one of those weeks that just knocked it out of you? Have you ever looked back at it and see that you actually asked for it? This past week was that for me. I know it sounds strange but that is what happened. On the 16th I was sitting in a worship service crying out to God to train my ear to hear is voice more clearly than before and the following 4 days were Him talking and me fighting. It sounds foolish and well it is. Why would I think it is okay to fight God on what He is saying? To tell Him, "No. I don't like that answer. Can you please try again?" I realize how crazy it sounds but that is exactly what I did. I had never seen my own stubbornness so intensely before. I had never realized how much fear there actually was in my heart. I figured since I was confident to travel alone to places most people wouldn't dare go to that there was no fear remaining in me. Man, was I wrong.

My fear was not of going somewhere, dying or being alone. On the contrary my fear was of letting go of my independence and allowing myself to need someone else. Someone to depend on and trust in. I could say sure I trust God but have I fully relinquished all of me to Him? Have I said to God, "Here You can have it ALL. Even my right to do it all alone." and then actually lived out the words I spoke?

I am not sure how to do just that. To fully give it all to God. It seems far from possible and completely against everything we know as human beings. Lord, show me how. Train me. Teach me. I do want to hear the words You have for me. Help me to live by them and not idly sit by.